either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
