I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
