I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
