you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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