I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
