She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
