i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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