What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
