I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
