I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
