I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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