my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
