Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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