here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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