i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
