I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
