Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize