my phone needs a breathalizer
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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