I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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