i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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