i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
