I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
