He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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