They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
