put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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