her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
