god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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