Your dad touched me again.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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