i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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