this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
