how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
