I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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