He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
