"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
