Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
