Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
