As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
