If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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