You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
