Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I did not marry a roomba.
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