my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
