Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How does one acquire holy water?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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