So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
