Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
