I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
