Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
