I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
