Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
