Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
