i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
