Four minutes until I can fart!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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