So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
