What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
