i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize