im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
