there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
