haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
