I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
