The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
