drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
