I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize