He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
