just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
