can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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