It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
